Just created a folder full of all the progress pictures I’ve taken since March.
It is so fucking inconsistent I swear.
From march-mid march I was at my highest of 126-127. (idk if I passed that, I just figured this out when I found the courage to weigh myself after a while)
Then in a week I dropped 4 pounds to 122.
I stayed there for a week, till I dropped 2 pounds just in time to be 120 for Spring Break.
I gained 2 pounds back after Spring Break.
Randomly lost them again.
Then in 1-2 weeks I was back to 124.
Then in about a week I was back to 121ish.
I was 120-122 for a week or so.
Then I was 124 a few days later.
I was 119 3 days after that.
And now, 4 days after that I am back to 123.
This cannot be healthy. I am honestly now going to work on being consistent. I fluctuate way too much. It needs to only be down from here. And now that I can see it and I know where I stand, I’m super motivated. I’m going to make tomorrow a good day. And it’ll be a good week and so on! Consistent weight loss starts now. My progress pictures won’t be good to bad to good to bad, now they’ll just go to good.
“so you think you’re going to weigh less than me?”
“why do you keep picking out all these size smalls?”
“are you sure the small is going to fit?”
“did you get bigger? ..are you getting fat on me?”
“see these are your pants and they’re huge on me!”
“i think i found your shorts, were they the really big ones?”
these are the comments that repeat in my head over and over again and scream at me when i want to eat. these are the comments that caused me to succumb to 3 straight days without food, multiple times. these are the comments pushing me further at the gym. these are the comments that haunt me.
tomorrow’s plan (fruit/veggie/coffee/tea fast)
tomorrow is my day off so i’ll drink water through school and have an apple at lunch. come home and have my smoothie. relax, probably take a nap, and eat any fruit whenever i want. i’ll either go to the gym early after school (3ish) before my lack of real food leaves me lethargic, or i’ll go late at night (8ish).
breakfast: coffee
lunch: strawberry mango smoothie
dinner: grapefruit
snacks: another apple + grapefruit + any other fruit or veggies i find
+ lots of water and tea wahh no diet soda
my days off make it easy to stay on track because all i want to do is lay in bed and do nothing! also i was 123 pounds this morning, meaning in exactly 1 week i lost a total of 1.4 pounds (ok and pissed because i technically lost 4.8 all together but with my b/p’s and such, i gained a bit and it balanced out at a net loss of 1.4). I guess that’s “normal” weight loss though right?? ugh i’ll just tell myself that. this week will be perfect.
Typically I only do the elliptical at the gym.
So as far as strength exercises I would do my own routine of leg lifts, squats, crunches, lunges, etc etc. but last night there was like a tropical storm coming through and apparently I was the only one who decided it was still okay to go to the gym because I was literally the only one there. It was great though. But the point it, I was finally able to try out the other machines because no one else was there to see me look like an idiot. So now I know how to use them all and they’re actually really really good work outs and they’re grouped by legs, abs, arms and stuff so I just move from machine to machine to work on everything. So I’m dropping my own routine that probably wasn’t do much anyways, and I’m going to start using the machines at the gym. Like today I did 40 minutes elliptical, then a total of 150 reps on the “leg” machines, 150 total reps on the “ab” machines, 50 reps on the “arm” machines, 100 reps on the “inner thigh” machines, and then finished with another 35 minutes on the elliptical. It felt like a great workout. I’ll definitely increase the reps on the machines though. I’m still doing the 100 crunches when I wake up and 100 before I go to bed, but I feel like the other things I was doing weren’t helping much. I’m excited to get a good routine though instead of only going to the gym for the elliptical! Time to get toned!
So pissed.
Went over my day’s limit with the first meal of the day. It wasn’t even by much, but it put me in an antsy mood. So I went to work with an apple but my coworker had homemade cookies and persuaded me to try one. Then I was just in an even more antsy mood, and decided to get breadsticks and purge them at the gym right after work. Well then I ended up staying late (after completely binging on the breadsticks), so for the first time ever, I purged in the bathroom at work. Except not all the way because I was scared I’d be gone too long. Then I went to the gym and purged some more, but again not all the way. And then I just said, “fuck it. Purging doesn’t solve anything,” and I spent an hour and 15 minutes on the elliptical (burned 850 calories) and spent 25 minutes doing the weight machines and working my arms/legs/core (I’m not sure at all how much that burns). Then I was absolutely wiped out and sweating up a storm and it was 11:00 so I left and stopped at the store and bought more laxatives since I was all out. Now I’m waiting for them to kick in and I really really don’t want to fucking step on the scale tomorrow.
On the brightside, I didn’t let the whole breadstick thing knock me down for the whole night, instead I reversed it and just did extra at the gym. Just like I did Saturday night. So it’s DEFINITELY progress in my whole mindset. I can’t change the fact that I binged, and I can’t change the fact that purging doesn’t get virtually everything up, but I CAN push my body to burn as much as I possibly can because exercise really can reverse the damage. And I am so glad my mindset has changed to this. So so glad.
According to my plan, tomorrow was supposed to be a 300 cal day and Wednesday a fruit/veggie fast day. But I work Wednesday, and working on just fruit does not go well for me and I’d rather not risk a fuck up, so I’m switching the days and tomorrow will be a fruit/veggie fast. I need it after this weekend anyway. I’ll post my plan up in a minute!
tomorrow’s plan (300 cal limit)
I may be going out with my family in the early afternoon, so that means I need to save my calories just for that. Work is going to suck if I can’t eat anything, but I can’t not eat anything at the outing, and I sure as hell can’t go over my limit. Especially due to my little mishap today.
breakfast: banana or apple + coffee or tea
lunch:
dinner:
snacks: fruit fruit fruit
Tomorrow is hard to plan because it’s weather permitting. If it’s nice out, I’m going on a family outing and I’ll eat all my calories there, I just know it. If the weather is shitty, I’m staying home and I’ll have stir fry for lunch (50) and rice and kale for dinner (150) and my snacks will include a matzo cracker (110) for at work. plus I’m going to the gym for at least 45 minutes and doing my strength exercises. Same thing, if I go on the outing, I’ll go to the gym after work. If I stay home, I’ll possibly go to the gym before work instead.
❝Eating disorders are really about excessive control, painful perfectionism, and stubborn self-hatred. They are not about whether or not your thighs touch, the width of your hips, the size of your butt, or the number on a scale. Unfortunately, anorexia, bulimia, and related disorders exist at every number on the scale. Eating disorders do not discriminate. Ed will be happy to destroy your life at whatever size and weight you happen to be. Don’t give him the chance.
ugh are you fucking kidding me
i swear today was an 800 calorie day. i knew it i knew it i knew it. so i went to look at my plan to see what tomorrow was, and i noticed that today was actually supposed to be a 600 day. I am so angry I want to cry. My first horrible fuck up on my plan, and it’s within the first week. sdcsldkfjwrokgrgl you have no idea how mad I am right now. All I can say is, it’s really a good fucking thing that i went to the gym tonight.
